Tuesday, March 14, 2006

models wanted

OMG, guys, I totally forgot to tell you -- I'm going to be a model!!! How exciting is that !?!?! This guy came into the club Saturday and he's a fashion designer and photographer and he totally wants me to model for him! I told him my commercial rate is $300 an hour, but he told me he'd "take care of" me, so that's good, right? Then he bought two dances from me and tried to talk me into a retroactive 2-4-1 special. He showed me some pictures of his other models and they were kind of out-of-focus, but maybe that's cuz they were just polaroid??!? Anyway, his other models looked really happy. They had some white powder on their faces, though...WTF...LOL! I can't believe a professional model wouldn't even do a mirror check before a shoot, but whatever! So anyway, he told me has tons of contacts in the industry, so I guess I'm on my way to a whole new career!

Anyway, so some of you are probably wondering right now, "How can I become a professional model, just like Grace?" Answer: It's easy! People will just walk up to you and offer to make you a star! But before you get started, you might want to read my Guide to Totally Becoming a Professional Model.

1. ALWAYS work with professionals. How do you know if people are professionals or not? Just ask them! They will be happy to tell you!

2. NEVER work without a contract that spells out how you will be compensated for your time and who will own the rights to your pictures. You wouldn't those pictures to wind up being passed around in a titty bar by some wrinkly old perv, would you?!? If you can't get a contract, at least make sure your photographer promises to "take care of you" and "make sure you have a really good time."

3. LOOK YOUR BEST!! I know this one seems obvious, but sometimes being alone in a basement with some rabid little prick and his cheap camera can make you tense...remember, nobody likes a Frowny-Face! If you can't relax, be sure to ask for "a little something to pick you up." Any good photographer will know exactly what to give you.

4. You'll be dealing with Business People, so don't stress it if they try to cheat you out of money in the first fifteen minutes of knowing you... That's just good business!! Would you trust your career in the hands of someone who didn't?!?

5. DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF! Today's world of professional modeling is more competetive than ever! To gain an edge and land the big jobs, you're going to have to show you have some "range"... so don't shy away from something like a "dual anal-penetration scene" just because you've never heard of it before.

6. Folks in what I like to call "the industry" look different from you and me. What looks to you like a ratty polo shirt with gross sweat stains under the arms could be haute couture, so don't judge a book by it's cover!!

7. Finally, most importantly: DON'T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY. In fact, give as little thought to what you're doing as possible. After it's over, bury it deep, deep down in your psyche and just hope those pictures don't surface during something important like a job interview or a custody hearing.

So now you know how to Make It Big and Keep It Real in the exciting, ever-changing world of modeling! Good luck, and DON'T FORGET TO SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 comments:

callieischatty said...

grace! OMG! thats so funny! When I read the first few sentences I thought OH NO! CAN'T SHE SEE THIS GUYS A NUT!

Then when I saw it was a spoof I laughed right out loud.

Funny stuff.

And you are already a star.

diopter said...

Absolutely HILARIOUS!

PamelaRiver said...

You are funnier than, like, 90% of the published writers who think they are funny. I don't laugh out loud in my laptop's face much, but you got me.

callieischatty said...

no shit, this girl has talent.

real talent.

Pandora Z said...

I love this Guide! Very funny. I'm goign to be laughing about that all week.