Saturday, October 06, 2007

standing still

I woke up yesterday, leapt out of bed, and crashed to the floor. The room went round and round and round. Holy shit, I thought, how much did I drink last night?

Two glasses of Zin back in the Champagne Room with an out-of-town computer programmer named Gene or something. So that's not it.

After the second glass he grabbed my hand and tried to make me touch his dick. My usual M.O. when customer wants more than I'm willing to give is to giggle and flinch and weasel around and hope it takes them at least an hour to figure out that I'm not selling what they're buying, so I can collect my hour's fee. But that night I was feeling tired. I didn't have an hour's worth of wiggle left in me. I laced his finger into mine and looked up into his face with all the piercing sincerity a farmgirl from heartland can summon. "Listen, I really want you to have a good time," I said. "I really do. But some things I just don't do."

We looked at each other. Then his face went all squishy and he clutched me to his breast and started kissing the top of my head. Well, whatever. He stayed an hour and I made my fee. (Plus tip.)

Then I woke up the next morning with the room going round me like a carousel. I headed for the kitchen to get a glass of water, veering like a drunk. I drank some water and then, with much concentration, filled a bowl with cereal and tried to eat. But every time I turned my head I felt like I was at sea in a storm. I wove back down the hall and into bed, said fuck it to the day, and went back to sleep. I had a terrible dream about losing my purse on a sinking ocean-liner, looking for it everywhere while the water rushed in the portholes, terrible and black.

I woke up late in the afternoon. C. came home and fussed over me, told me I was probably just tired, and made me stay in bed. This morning I woke up a little better. Still swimmy. Then C. and I had a fight about money and I stewed for an hour after he left for work.

I had asked him if he would mind looking for another job, because his current weekend gig pays just enough to support his vices, but not enough to help me out with the household expenses. He reminded me that I agreed to support him while he finishes school, and why don't I just suck it up and dance a few more nights a month and everything would be peachy?

I know this was the deal. C. would go to school. I would make money. I wasn't supposed to get involved with a dayjob project that takes up too much time and pays next to nothing. I was just supposed to dance. I did it for a year, but I'm way to too frenetic to be happy with just that. I have to have projects. I have to keep my mind busy.

I don't mind supporting C. I don't mind hard work. What I mind is the guilt, the recriminations, the constant feeling that I could and should be doing more, more, more, more, more. I think I might have to leave him, or maybe kill him. Not because I don't love him, but in the spirit in which a fox chews off it's leg to get out of a trap.

In the mean time if I turn my head too fast I think I'm falling. Did I have a fucking stroke? I'm going back to the couch to sit very, very still.

11 comments:

Avalon said...

Grace,
I feel ya on the VIP hangover. I suffered through one myself on Thursday. As an entertainer who supported her spouse through school and other things, I know how challenging it can be. I found a good article on relationship tips when you earn more than your man. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21069775/?GT1=10450 My personal opinion is that if he can support his drug habit, he can support some of the groceries, but my opinion is really not important in your relationship. Good luck girl!

Anonymous said...

ear infection. fucks w/ your balance.

Roland Hulme said...

Wait... so the guy lives with a gorgeous stripper, who works her ass off (literally) to pay his rent, food, bills etc...

And he won't even get a second job to put SOME money on the table?

WOAH. Some kids don't know when they've got it good. Kick his ASS.

Croaker said...

Sounds like an ear infection to me too. Was him blowing his money on his drug habit part of the deal too?

Grace said...

Ear infection was my first thought, but my ears don't hurt. I found an article on BPPV online. Maybe that's it. In which case I have tiny calcified rocks in my ears...

Only today I'm a lot better, so that can't be it. Maybe I was hungry. Sometimes I get busy for a few days and forget if I've eaten.

Grace said...

Also, I have to give C. a break about the job thing. One decent night and I can make what he makes in a MONTH...it's not fair, but it's real. So in a way it just makes economic sense for me to work more.

I think I just kind of have a complex about supporting someone else. Deep down, I have a hard time respecting someone who doesn't take care of themselves. There, I said it. Then again, we have an agreement.

stripper said...

He reminded me that I agreed to support him while he finishes school, and why don't I just suck it up and dance a few more nights a month and everything would be peachy?

Please tell me those were not his exact words. Screw that.

Anonymous said...

"What I mind is the guilt, the recriminations, the constant feeling that I could and should be doing more, more, more, more, more."

If this guy is making you feel guilty while you're supporting him AND he's the one blowing all his money on drugs, well... Bad sign. You're working full-time to support you both while following your passion, while he's studying and doing a part-time job. And he's making you feel guilty? wtf?

And by the way, when is the big turnaround supposed to come? What's Art Boy gonna do for you? I know that generosity is its own reward, and helping people we love is a Good Thing. But if he's immature and short-sighted enough to take you for granted, well...

I know, as someone else said a while ago, that gratitude is a hard yoke to bear, especially for Americans, where Self-Sufficiency is the mark of a Good Person. In other cultures, helping and accepting help aren't so frowned upon. But I don't want to see you get hurt. Even people with the best of intentions, who have no idea they're being unreasonable, can be toxic to our lives. If he's making you feel guilty in the circumstances you currently find yourself in, any objective observer would call that unreasonable.

Sigh. But believe me, I know that excellent boys can have just a few tragic flaws that we can't fix (it's generally dangerous to try to fix anyone but ourselves), and it absolutely sucks to throw the baby out with the bath water. But you gotta take care of yourself.

Good luck with all this.

Tinker said...

I'd say you can rule out a stroke. I've had four, so I am some kind of expert. Sounds like an ear infection.

Lou K. said...

I thought drink spiking for some reason? Could cause that feeling!

Wanchan said...

Actually, that sounds like what happens to me when I get badly dehydrated. Last time it happened was because of a stomach flu - the doc told me the swimming head was due to nasty dehydration induced by the flu preventing me from keeping anything in my stomach.